Caution: May Contain Nuts

Dear Cockroach Community,

I would greatly appreciate it if you would confine your activities and residence to the outdoors. I am aware that, by moving to an undeveloped area, I have technically encroached (haha, enc-roached) on your domain, but I would like to point out that you have plenty of space outside. In fact, several of the neighbors appear to be inviting your presence with their various household practices.

I have worked really hard to keep abandoned toddler snacks, infant spew, bread crumbs, ketchup smears, and other tasty crumbles out of temptation’s way. However, I’ve noticed that you continue to express interest in widening your territory into mine. I am kindly requesting that you find other accommodation immediately.

I would also like to inform you that your intrepid, three-inch ambassador will be unable to return to your community. If you send additional emissaries, please be aware that their fate will be the same.

Regards,
Ashley

PS. If you wish to prevent further reductions in your numbers, please forward this notice to your relatives of all shapes and varieties.

PSs. I would like to point out that leaping onto a chair and howling for the man of the house is, actually, a dignified reception for any emissaries sent into our home.